He wondered if he'd died after all, to be able to talk like this. But of course, it wasn't that, it was her.
He closed his eyes, breathed her in, and, with as great an effort as he'd ever made, lowered the partitions. And, very deliberately, spoke.
"I worry that right now I'm doing to you something I used to think my ex wife did to me. That I keep picking things apart. Which makes me worried that things that made me unhappy in my marriage were just me after all and I'm going to carry them through to you.
"I'm worried of talking about her too much and making it seem like I'm comparing, when I'm not. Or if I am, it's myself I compare. Never you.
"I'm afraid that I'm him and afraid that I'm not. I'm afraid of hurting you the way he did.
"I don't believe it's true, but if this was only trauma-bonding or infatuation, what a horrible betrayal of you that would be.
"I don't believe this is true either, but if my need to serve and believe in something shifted from the Rebellion to you, that would be a burden and a distortion, not letting you be… a person.
"I'm still afraid of hurting you in my sleep, even though I know you can stop me. But I don't want you to have to.
"I'm afraid you'll die or disappear, and my fear of that will put too much pressure on you when the only way of coping with it I can imagine is… to follow you.
"…But I'm not afraid of finding something in my past that I can't share with you and think you won't accept, and that's remarkable.
"And I think, I hope, sharing this was correct, and that's… that I even could… thank you."
no subject
He wondered if he'd died after all, to be able to talk like this. But of course, it wasn't that, it was her.
He closed his eyes, breathed her in, and, with as great an effort as he'd ever made, lowered the partitions. And, very deliberately, spoke.
"I worry that right now I'm doing to you something I used to think my ex wife did to me. That I keep picking things apart. Which makes me worried that things that made me unhappy in my marriage were just me after all and I'm going to carry them through to you.
"I'm worried of talking about her too much and making it seem like I'm comparing, when I'm not. Or if I am, it's myself I compare. Never you.
"I'm afraid that I'm him and afraid that I'm not. I'm afraid of hurting you the way he did.
"I don't believe it's true, but if this was only trauma-bonding or infatuation, what a horrible betrayal of you that would be.
"I don't believe this is true either, but if my need to serve and believe in something shifted from the Rebellion to you, that would be a burden and a distortion, not letting you be… a person.
"I'm still afraid of hurting you in my sleep, even though I know you can stop me. But I don't want you to have to.
"I'm afraid you'll die or disappear, and my fear of that will put too much pressure on you when the only way of coping with it I can imagine is… to follow you.
"…But I'm not afraid of finding something in my past that I can't share with you and think you won't accept, and that's remarkable.
"And I think, I hope, sharing this was correct, and that's… that I even could… thank you."