Jyn frowned slightly, wishing she hadn't said anything after all. She wouldn't have, if she had known he would take it as something he'd done wrong rather than something he'd done right. Maybe she was biased in his favor (no, she was definitely that anyway) or maybe she was too far removed to have an accurate perspective; maybe it was just that she'd so long since made her peace with the orders he'd kept from her but hadn't followed that she didn't have it in her to hold any ill will against him because of it. They'd had it out in the shuttle after, and discussed it several times over here. That didn't mean she was all right with it, but that wasn't on him.
Neither, she assumed, was the way the Alliance treated her, but that wasn't a mental road she wanted to go too far down. All of it was so long ago, anyway. His being here, and fresh from all of that, just brought a lot of it back to the surface again.
"So you let me keep it even knowing how badly I would react to that," she said, half a question, as close to amused as the subject would allow. (It wasn't very, but she hoped he would see it as her lack of a grudge.) Any levity was short-lived. She propped herself up on one elbow so she could get a good look at him, expression serious. "Cassian... I know I've had a lot longer with it all than you have... but believe me when I say I get it. Not saying that it was right, or that I agree with it, but I do get it. I don't want you to beat yourself up over it."
He propped himself up too, to meet her, eyes searching hers, their edges crinkling. "I wasn't… I wasn't worried about that. I was worried about ruining a good moment in memory for you." Breath-laugh and free hand coming up to trace her hair. "I think we're both okay except for worrying about each other."
Exhaling a laugh of her own, Jyn let her free hand curl gently around the back of his neck as she leaned in for a brief kiss. "You didn't ruin it," she promised. Given that she knew he'd gotten that order at some point, it wasn't even entirely surprising. Maybe those last few days weren't something that could be ruined. Plenty else was — losing him the first time had cast an unpleasant shadow over her memory of the time they'd had together, causing her to regret things that she wouldn't have wanted to regret — but those few days and the way they ended were immutable. "So, yes. You can't stop me from worrying about you, though. That's just going to happen anyway."
They'd said it so many times since she first did so, but still, Jyn felt her heart skip a beat, her inhaled breath a little sharper. She could reason through it well enough — she'd known so little love, except for him — but that made it no less powerful. She wasn't sure she would have wanted it to.
"Yeah, I guess it is," she agreed, as if realizing it for the first time. "And there's definitely nothing that could get me to stop doing that."
He raised his eyes to hers, both back in the present and like in the elevator: pupils so big and dark you could fall in, and they welcomed her, wanting her, wanting for her—the world, all of time; and he leaned in again for a longer kiss.
At last, he drew back with a small, heartfelt smile and murmured, “We might get dressed sometime.”
"I don't know, I sort of like you like this," Jyn teased, smiling in turn. There was no intent in it; he was right, after all. At least they'd been lying here in the grass and dappled sunlight long enough that she had sufficiently dried off. Next time they went on this sort of excursion, she was going to bring a towel.
“I like you like this,” he repeated, eyes brightly smiling, as he touched her lips. Yes, he meant naked, but clearly also at ease, playful, happy.
He abruptly grabbed her in his arms and crushed her into a kiss, rolling them so she was on top of him. When he released her, he was already half sitting up.
Jyn got what he meant, or was pretty sure she did. It was strangely touching, maybe just because, before this place, before him, there had been so little room in her life for any significant levity. There certainly hadn't been anyone who'd encouraged it, not since she was almost too young to remember.
Leaning into the kiss was easier than trying to say any of that. She, again, let him roll them over, still smiling close against his mouth when he drew back. "Yeah, see, not helping me want to get dressed," she said. All teasing aside, though, she did, somewhat reluctantly, sit back further. "Good thing no one else has come through here. This was definitely a good spot to find."
"We'll have to remember it for another time," he agreed, both cheeky and genuine. He gave her one more kiss then stretched and got to his feet. Though he knew she didn't need it, he offered her his hand.
"I was thinking that," Jyn admitted, the barest trace of a laugh accompanying the words as she took his hand and pulled herself to her feet. It wasn't just because of what they'd been able to do here with the amount of privacy they had, although that was a nice bonus. Mostly, it was because it felt good to have something that was just theirs. For all that she hadn't had much trouble keeping the past separate from the present, she still liked having something new, separate from any ghosts, inasmuch as they could keep them at bay.
Now that they were standing and separated, she felt far more aware of her current state of undress, and returned to the pile in which she'd left her clothes to begin pulling them on. "Maybe once we've finished the exploring we're doing, we can circle back."
Cassian went with her and followed suit. "Yes, I'd like that." He wasn't consciously thinking it, but on some level he picked it up, too: that this place was theirs.
"Trying to think of where else we still need to go," she said, shooting him a wry smile before pulling her shirt over her head. "Aside from borrowing a car from a friend of mine to drive us up the mountain. I've never actually been up there in the off season." Frankly, she thought the lodge would hold more appeal for her without the crowds and holiday decor. "Wanna do some light breaking and entering with me?"
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Neither, she assumed, was the way the Alliance treated her, but that wasn't a mental road she wanted to go too far down. All of it was so long ago, anyway. His being here, and fresh from all of that, just brought a lot of it back to the surface again.
"So you let me keep it even knowing how badly I would react to that," she said, half a question, as close to amused as the subject would allow. (It wasn't very, but she hoped he would see it as her lack of a grudge.) Any levity was short-lived. She propped herself up on one elbow so she could get a good look at him, expression serious. "Cassian... I know I've had a lot longer with it all than you have... but believe me when I say I get it. Not saying that it was right, or that I agree with it, but I do get it. I don't want you to beat yourself up over it."
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"Yeah, I guess it is," she agreed, as if realizing it for the first time. "And there's definitely nothing that could get me to stop doing that."
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At last, he drew back with a small, heartfelt smile and murmured, “We might get dressed sometime.”
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"No, we should."
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He abruptly grabbed her in his arms and crushed her into a kiss, rolling them so she was on top of him. When he released her, he was already half sitting up.
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Leaning into the kiss was easier than trying to say any of that. She, again, let him roll them over, still smiling close against his mouth when he drew back. "Yeah, see, not helping me want to get dressed," she said. All teasing aside, though, she did, somewhat reluctantly, sit back further. "Good thing no one else has come through here. This was definitely a good spot to find."
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Now that they were standing and separated, she felt far more aware of her current state of undress, and returned to the pile in which she'd left her clothes to begin pulling them on. "Maybe once we've finished the exploring we're doing, we can circle back."
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