“I didn’t mean…” This was difficult territory. “I shouldn’t compare. On the whole, I was probably the luckier. I think I meant, credit to your parents for what they were able to do. But what do I know… this is definitely not my area of expertise.”
"No, I know," Jyn assured him, shaking her head. She was no mindreader, of course, and couldn't actually assume that she knew his meaning, but she hadn't taken it as a comparison or a contest. It was just that, having lost so much so many times over, it was difficult sometimes to remember things in terms of what she had gotten to have or ways she'd been fortunate. "I didn't think you were comparing. I just never really thought about it that way. I haven't really thought about any of this in a long time."
“Neither have I,” and it was true. He didn’t think about it as a survival technique and he definitely didn’t talk about it as a security measure. Yet here… “Feels like throwing up in a good way. Does that make sense?”
"It does, yeah," Jyn agreed. "Like... something you feel better for getting out." It was counter to all of her instincts, everything that had kept her alive for years. She hadn't wanted to think about these things, never mind discuss them. With Cassian, though — again, always — it was different. She wanted him to know her, even if, and when, it involved unearthing her most painful memories.
With a small smile, he reached for her hand. "And all it took was leaving the Galaxy."
Which, if he thought about it, made sense. As long as they weren't living too much in the past at the expense of the present. Hopefully it was helping them fortify it. (Though still maybe too much to think of 'future'.)
He turned his face contemplatively to the pool. Hefting the tree bough, Cassian stood and controlledly tossed the bough into the churning water just at the base of the waterfall. The bough quickly bobbed to the surface and drifted into the wider pool. Good. Not too much air to water for a solid to be too dense. He began to undo his collar. "Want to swim?"
Of course that was what it took, Jyn thought. Her past wasn't a liability to her here, which she suspected was also true for him, in a different way. Even if that hadn't been the case, though—
She didn't spend much time on what ifs, mostly because that tended to be an exercise in misery. Things happened the way they happened, and she was who she was as a result of it. Every once in a while, though, there was an exception, and this was one. If they had somehow survived that mission, if they had limped back from Scarif together, if she had stayed, if he'd have wanted her to... Had that all been the case, she tended to believe that she would have felt the same way then. It probably would have all been that much harder to talk about, but for him, with him, she would have.
For a moment, she considered saying as much, but quickly decided against it. They hadn't survived, and they were here now, which was more important.
So, too, was his suggestion, drawing a smile from her. "Why not?" she agreed, staying seated so she could untie her boots, then peel off her socks. "We're here, no one else is. Might as well."
There should be a catalog of his smiles; the ones so small yet so subtly different. This was the one from the Scarif vault, of admiration and appreciation.
He left his clothes in a neatly folded pile atop one of the flatter rocks. He slipped into the water, causing a nearby pair of waterfowl to take wing. The water was so clear that the bottom was visible where it was still, it smelled clean, and nothing came out of hiding to try and bite him. (Don't tell Jyn, but though he'd been pretty confident it was safe, he'd gone in first to triple check.) Emerging up to his chest, he swam-walked back to Jyn and unnecessarily offered his hand.
Jyn finished undressing as Cassian slid into the water, her own clothes left more haphazardly on the rock where she'd been sitting. This wasn't the sort of thing she was prone to doing, and had they been anywhere less secluded, she might have had more reservations. Even with the ambient noise of the woods around them, though, she felt sure that she would hear if anyone were approaching, and it wasn't as if she was overly shy or modest. She just tended to avoid excessive vulnerability, which included taking her clothes off to go swimming.
With just Cassian, of course, she didn't think twice about it. For all that she had previously deemed it too awkward to get changed in front of him, she probably wouldn't have even if they hadn't already slept together. Cassian was safe. It was a thought she came back to time and again. Although the way she felt about him was anything but, he himself was the first safety she had known in a long time.
Taking his hand, she slid into the water, shivering a little at the change in temperature. She smiled at him, though, warm and unreserved. "Hey."
He returned her smile, so much in his eyes. "Hey." He drew them closer in the water and joined their other hands, like they were dancing. "Thanks for joining me."
"What was I gonna do, just sit back and let you have all the fun?" Jyn replied, one corner of her mouth curling higher, a good-natured smirk. She'd have had no problem doing exactly that if she hadn't wanted to get into the water with him, but this was too nice to resist. Even with the heavier subjects that had just been at hand, it was a welcome counterpoint to the beach being so full of people and bad memories. "Not a chance."
His smile continued to mirror hers. He sank himself down in the water so their heads were at the same level and stepped in to kiss her.
"I'm trying to remember," he murmured, arms weightless around her, "I know I had follow-up questions to some of your facts. It's hard to get them now. I think one was: what was your tattoo?"
"Yeah, that was one," Jyn replied, an exhale of a laugh accompanying the words. It was hard to forget that being one when she'd so successfully ruined the mood moments after his asking. Now, with the biggest of the things she had to tell him out in the open and such significant steps taken since then too, it didn't feel off-limits anymore.
Even so, it did feel awkward. Faced with telling him, she was uncharacteristically embarrassed, both for having gotten the tattoo in the first place and having had it removed, not knowing what he might think of it. Her expression didn't change, but to someone looking closely, it would be noticeable in her eyes that she was bracing herself for an unfavorable reaction.
"It said 'hope.' Right here." With her left hand, she traced her fingers along her right ribs, starting at her side and ending just under her breast. "If you look really closely, you can still sort of see that there used to be something there, but not what it was."
Jyn shrugged, a halfhearted attempt to downplay the whole thing. She didn't want to ruin this again with her own stupidity; she didn't want to leave him thinking about the fact that she'd had a whole life with him that he hadn't experienced. Now that he knew, it seemed better not to dwell on it. But at the same time, dodging his questions had completely backfired before, and she had no real intention of doing so. None of this was a secret. It just was difficult to talk about, even — or maybe especially — with him.
"Well, it seemed like a good idea when I got it," she said. "And then it didn't seem like a good idea anymore, so I got rid of it." Too flippant, not convincing enough. She closed her eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, focusing on the gentle touch of his hand and the warmth of his body near hers in the cool water. "It was sort of a... post-getting married impulse. So, when that ended..."
“Ah… I’m sorry.” He said it for the relatively light reason of bringing it up, and to release her from the obligation of discussing it. Putting his arms around her, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, trying not to entertain the sudden thought of having stolen her hope. He was glad she’d said it, though, rather than stay evasive, and hoped the warmth of his embrace might communicate that.
Again, Jyn shrugged, but leaned into him, his response the best she could have hoped for. She didn't want him to have to apologize — he wasn't the person who left her here, even if that person had also been him — but it seemed like an acknowledgment as much as anything else, and that was enough. The details weren't important. Now he knew the broad strokes, and could likely fill in some of the rest from there.
"Of course," she replied, looking up at him, once more intending to convey with her eye contact that what she had to say was entirely genuine. "I don't think there's anything I'd keep from you. It's not always easy to find the words, or to talk about things, but... If you ask, I'll answer."
What she didn't say — and hoped he would understand anyway — was that there was no sense of obligation to it. She wanted to tell him things. That was strange for her, and still difficult to get her head around. "Although, if we're trading questions now, I think it's my turn."
Of course, there were countless things that Jyn wanted to know. Given what she'd just told him, though, and in the interest of not devolving too far into unpleasant stories when she still hoped they could have a nice afternoon, she went with what seemed like an easy option.
"You did say last night that you'd tell me about getting your ass kicked over a piece of sky kyber."
He found himself wishing she would delve into less pleasant stories. Continuing to avoid them would just start to chip away at the pleasure with tension. And perhaps he was partly trying to keep creating these good moments to be safe settings for such conversations.
Well, talk about it later if they had to. For now, he exhaled and nodded. "It was my first mission for the Rebellion. A robbery of the Empire. I wasn't fully committed yet. I was a mercenary. My… handler gave me a sky kyber necklace as collateral. I tried to keep it secret but I did a bad job. The rest of the team had been together for months, I came in at the last minute, and they had a hard time trusting me. One of them saw the necklace and nearly cut my throat to get it, to prove I was a fake. I told them the truth and they accepted it because they needed me. Ironically, that guy proved to be more in it for the payoff than I was."
Too many things filtered through Jyn's head at once, somehow all encompassed in the fond expression she kept fixed on him. Mild surprise at the story itself and the irony of the kyber in question also having been a necklace, relief that the asshole who'd tried to kill him over it hadn't succeeded, belated worry about him having been in that situation at all before she reminded herself that he'd probably had people to worry about him then. The concept was still a foreign one to her — like hearing him speak in Myo the other night, the language itself identifiable but the words themselves entirely unknown. She was so glad he'd had that. It was just difficult to wrap her head around what that must have been like.
Was that why he'd been so tight-lipped about his past when she'd known him before? She had no way of knowing. It didn't matter now anyway, with him here and telling her these things, and her still wanting to know as much as she could. For as alike as they were, though, that was maybe the biggest difference between them. He'd had people who stayed, people who cared. She tried not to wonder if she would be able to live up to that.
"It's hard to imagine you as a mercenary," she admitted, smile lopsided and gentle in a way it tended to be only for him. "Or not fully committed yet." He'd alluded to as much just minutes ago, but given how dedicated to the cause he had become by the time she knew him, it was still such a change, and a fascinating one at that.
"Yeah. I had a 'don't look up' period, too." After saying it, he glanced at her with some anxiety. "Again… I know you've forgiven me, it's just… another way I was such a mudcrutch to you after Eadu: making us out to be so different when really our life trajectories haven't been." The mirror hurts. "I guess it's interesting."
"I mean. I could say the same to you," Jyn said, her expression scrunching guiltily. It was interesting, painting that whole argument in different shades than she'd perceived it before. With as long as it had been for her, and with as consumed by grief and rage and betrayal as she had felt in that moment, she only remembered fragments of it now anyway: the way she'd sharpened words to stab at him, trying to do as much damage as she could, to make someone else hurt like she was hurting, and his telling her that she wasn't the only one who'd lost everything. She remembered being too full of emotion to argue her point well, and the way she'd sobbed afterwards, away from all of the others, for the first time in longer than she even knew.
He looked worried, and she didn't want him to be, so she brought one hand up to cradle the back of his head, wet fingers sliding into his hair, and kissed him. It was brief, and she dropped back a moment later, but she hoped it would tell him just how beyond forgiven he was.
With a heavy exhale, she shifted her weight. There was really only one thing for her to say in response to all of that, and it wasn't an easy one. "Fact," she said. "The first mission I went on alone for Saw... It was me, and a rifle, on top of a cliff, waiting for some Imp to come by. I did what he'd sent me there to do. So... What I said to you... It wasn't really any better than what you said to me. And I am sorry, Cassian."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-06-04 05:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-04 05:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-04 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-05 12:09 am (UTC)"It's like that for me, too."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-05 12:30 am (UTC)Which, if he thought about it, made sense. As long as they weren't living too much in the past at the expense of the present. Hopefully it was helping them fortify it. (Though still maybe too much to think of 'future'.)
He turned his face contemplatively to the pool. Hefting the tree bough, Cassian stood and controlledly tossed the bough into the churning water just at the base of the waterfall. The bough quickly bobbed to the surface and drifted into the wider pool. Good. Not too much air to water for a solid to be too dense. He began to undo his collar. "Want to swim?"
no subject
Date: 2025-06-05 03:21 am (UTC)She didn't spend much time on what ifs, mostly because that tended to be an exercise in misery. Things happened the way they happened, and she was who she was as a result of it. Every once in a while, though, there was an exception, and this was one. If they had somehow survived that mission, if they had limped back from Scarif together, if she had stayed, if he'd have wanted her to... Had that all been the case, she tended to believe that she would have felt the same way then. It probably would have all been that much harder to talk about, but for him, with him, she would have.
For a moment, she considered saying as much, but quickly decided against it. They hadn't survived, and they were here now, which was more important.
So, too, was his suggestion, drawing a smile from her. "Why not?" she agreed, staying seated so she could untie her boots, then peel off her socks. "We're here, no one else is. Might as well."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-05 06:21 pm (UTC)He left his clothes in a neatly folded pile atop one of the flatter rocks. He slipped into the water, causing a nearby pair of waterfowl to take wing. The water was so clear that the bottom was visible where it was still, it smelled clean, and nothing came out of hiding to try and bite him. (Don't tell Jyn, but though he'd been pretty confident it was safe, he'd gone in first to triple check.) Emerging up to his chest, he swam-walked back to Jyn and unnecessarily offered his hand.
no subject
Date: 2025-06-05 09:05 pm (UTC)With just Cassian, of course, she didn't think twice about it. For all that she had previously deemed it too awkward to get changed in front of him, she probably wouldn't have even if they hadn't already slept together. Cassian was safe. It was a thought she came back to time and again. Although the way she felt about him was anything but, he himself was the first safety she had known in a long time.
Taking his hand, she slid into the water, shivering a little at the change in temperature. She smiled at him, though, warm and unreserved. "Hey."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 02:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 03:11 am (UTC)"I'm trying to remember," he murmured, arms weightless around her, "I know I had follow-up questions to some of your facts. It's hard to get them now. I think one was: what was your tattoo?"
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 03:31 am (UTC)Even so, it did feel awkward. Faced with telling him, she was uncharacteristically embarrassed, both for having gotten the tattoo in the first place and having had it removed, not knowing what he might think of it. Her expression didn't change, but to someone looking closely, it would be noticeable in her eyes that she was bracing herself for an unfavorable reaction.
"It said 'hope.' Right here." With her left hand, she traced her fingers along her right ribs, starting at her side and ending just under her breast. "If you look really closely, you can still sort of see that there used to be something there, but not what it was."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 03:39 am (UTC)Gently, he ran his thumb where she’d indicated, as if to soothe it.
“Why did you remove it?” he asked. Though he really wanted to ask why she seemed to think he’d judge.
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Date: 2025-06-06 04:06 am (UTC)"Well, it seemed like a good idea when I got it," she said. "And then it didn't seem like a good idea anymore, so I got rid of it." Too flippant, not convincing enough. She closed her eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, focusing on the gentle touch of his hand and the warmth of his body near hers in the cool water. "It was sort of a... post-getting married impulse. So, when that ended..."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 04:15 am (UTC)…along with: “Thank you for answering.”
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 04:32 am (UTC)"Of course," she replied, looking up at him, once more intending to convey with her eye contact that what she had to say was entirely genuine. "I don't think there's anything I'd keep from you. It's not always easy to find the words, or to talk about things, but... If you ask, I'll answer."
What she didn't say — and hoped he would understand anyway — was that there was no sense of obligation to it. She wanted to tell him things. That was strange for her, and still difficult to get her head around. "Although, if we're trading questions now, I think it's my turn."
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Date: 2025-06-06 04:40 am (UTC)“Of course. Anything.”
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Date: 2025-06-06 04:50 am (UTC)"You did say last night that you'd tell me about getting your ass kicked over a piece of sky kyber."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 02:52 pm (UTC)Well, talk about it later if they had to. For now, he exhaled and nodded. "It was my first mission for the Rebellion. A robbery of the Empire. I wasn't fully committed yet. I was a mercenary. My… handler gave me a sky kyber necklace as collateral. I tried to keep it secret but I did a bad job. The rest of the team had been together for months, I came in at the last minute, and they had a hard time trusting me. One of them saw the necklace and nearly cut my throat to get it, to prove I was a fake. I told them the truth and they accepted it because they needed me. Ironically, that guy proved to be more in it for the payoff than I was."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-06 09:50 pm (UTC)Was that why he'd been so tight-lipped about his past when she'd known him before? She had no way of knowing. It didn't matter now anyway, with him here and telling her these things, and her still wanting to know as much as she could. For as alike as they were, though, that was maybe the biggest difference between them. He'd had people who stayed, people who cared. She tried not to wonder if she would be able to live up to that.
"It's hard to imagine you as a mercenary," she admitted, smile lopsided and gentle in a way it tended to be only for him. "Or not fully committed yet." He'd alluded to as much just minutes ago, but given how dedicated to the cause he had become by the time she knew him, it was still such a change, and a fascinating one at that.
no subject
Date: 2025-06-07 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-07 04:44 am (UTC)He looked worried, and she didn't want him to be, so she brought one hand up to cradle the back of his head, wet fingers sliding into his hair, and kissed him. It was brief, and she dropped back a moment later, but she hoped it would tell him just how beyond forgiven he was.
With a heavy exhale, she shifted her weight. There was really only one thing for her to say in response to all of that, and it wasn't an easy one. "Fact," she said. "The first mission I went on alone for Saw... It was me, and a rifle, on top of a cliff, waiting for some Imp to come by. I did what he'd sent me there to do. So... What I said to you... It wasn't really any better than what you said to me. And I am sorry, Cassian."