She wasn't surprised that he agreed, or that he brought concern for others into it. Maybe it made her selfish, that she had only been thinking in regards to herself. If that was the case, though, she was fine with it. She'd learned young that she had to focus on her own safety.
"I'm not good at being stuck in one place," she admitted, fingertips idly tracing along his chest as she spoke. She wasn't always good at this, either, being open, offering up deeper, underlying truths, but with him, she really did want to try. "Being here is the longest I've spent in one place... ever. Twice over."
Her fingertip might skim the blaster scar in the hollow of his shoulder and breast where Krennic shot him.
His fingertips, in turn, traced over her shoulder.
"What have you been doing here, all this time?" So far, his knowledge of her time here was too focused on his doppelgänger, not enough on her. "Not that gardening isn't good. I'd just be surprised if that fully occupied you."
"No, definitely not," Jyn answered with a quiet huff of a laugh. Her fingers did, in fact, find what she knew to be the freshest scar, the memory of those few seconds — his calling up to her, the shot, the fall — too seared in her mind for it to be anything less than unmistakable. It may have happened years ago, but she still saw it again as often as not when she slept.
She lifted her head just long enough and far enough to press her lips there against that scar for a moment, then settled on his chest again.
"I don't even know, now. How do you sum up what you've done over however many years?" Her voice was light, at least, as she considered what might bear mentioning. "Mostly I try to keep moving however I can. There's a boxing gym where I go if I feel like I need to hit something. Which is a lot. I had work, for a while. A friend started up self-defense classes for 'at-risk youth' and asked me to help. But that stopped when he disappeared. Try to keep the ship in good shape, even though it isn't going anywhere." She shrugged. "I think a lot of what I've been doing is just trying to figure out what to do with a life like this."
Her shrug made it thud heavier. "That makes sense. I used to fantasize about a life without war… but I realize, the fantasies weren't very detailed. Like, what I'd actually do."
Cassian craned his head to look at her. "Those self-defense classes. Is that something you'd want to do again? I could help. I like the idea of… helping kids make sure… they have more control of what happens to them."
Jyn blinked at the question, evidently having never considered the idea. At the time, there hadn't been any reason for her to. In a life practically defined by loss, she learned a long time ago that the best thing, the only real thing to do at such times was put it away. The exceptions to that were few and far between: the necklace from her mother, the ring from Cassian, the sketch Lincoln did for her once. But the classes, they'd been Lincoln's project, something he had put together from the start and brought her along for. With him gone, it just ended.
What Cassian was suggesting was different. It would be something new, a fresh start — similar, but not the same thing Lincoln built. Sort of like the two of them, in a way. That made it feel more feasible.
"I wouldn't mind doing it again," she said thoughtfully, her own head tipped back to look at him in turn. "I liked doing it. Just wasn't something I felt like I could keep up alone."
Cassian's arms tightened a little around her. Maybe he was picking something up in her voice, maybe just letting the when he disappeared catch up to him. As if Jyn hadn't lost enough people in their own universe. "Tell me about your friend?"
Perhaps counterintuitively, Jyn smiled the tiniest bit at that. The loss of Lincoln — one of the first and best real friends she'd ever had — still hurt, that was inevitable, but it didn't have quite the same sting of abandonment. She wasn't sure why. Maybe she'd just reached some mental capacity for that.
"His name was Lincoln," she answered. "You'd have liked him, I think." In the back of her head, it struck her as a sign of progress that the words instinctively came out that way: you would have rather than you did. "He was from a different... universe, or whatever. Brought up to be a fighter, like I was, but he was also... kind. Gentle. Liked to draw and to help people. Being somewhere at peace suited him."
Cassian was caught between reactions: the warmth of Jyn's description—her enduring capacity for affection—and the cold of that same dread—that anyone could just disappear.
'At peace'. If this is the price of peace…
The universe—any universe he could imagine—was a murderer. Anyone could die at any time in millions of ways. Was this any different?
Yes.
Don't lose her for fear of losing her… don't ask her a question then not handle the answer…
In this moment, it was too difficult. Cassian turned onto his side to envelop her fully in his arms and just… held on, unable to hide from her his heart suddenly pounding—the silent panic attack.
It took only moments — faster than she could formulate a question in her head, never mind start to ask it — for Jyn to sense, or at least guess, what was happening. His heart suddenly beating harder, faster, gave it away. She knew that feeling too well not to recognize it in some capacity. Hell, some part of her had ceaselessly been there since he reentered her life. Having him here meant she could lose him, and the prospect was unbearable. Talking about a friend she'd had and lost must have brought it to the forefront for him again, making her that much more grateful that she hadn't slipped and referred to Cassian having known Lincoln before.
Right now, this wasn't about her. She held onto him in turn, as close to soothing as she could get, taking deep, steady breaths in the hopes that it might help him a little. "Yeah," she murmured. "I know."
If will and depth of feeling were enough to keep a person here, she would never have lost him in the first place. She didn't know how to say that without it somehow coming out wrong, but she hoped he knew it all the same.
He breathed with her and slowed… steadied… steady…
“I’m an asshole,” he managed at last. “I did want to hear… I still want to revive his idea. I think we could make it work. I think it could be really good.”
Taking a moment, his forehead pressed to hers, Cassian said finally, “And I’m going to get a handle on this.”
"Are not," Jyn countered, deliberately childish and contrary, hoping to give him even just the tiniest bit of levity. She punctuated the statement with a brief, soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. "To the first part. It's still new for you. I've had years to get used to it. Reacting to that doesn't make you an asshole, it just makes you human."
For her, it was sort of like she'd stiltedly tried to describe it to him some time earlier: scar tissue, a wound that was no less severe or dangerous but that couldn't be felt to the same extent anymore. She'd lost so many people. It would always hurt, but there was a numbness to it at the same time, a sense of expectation.
Of course, Cassian was an exception to that. If losing him once had wrecked her, she didn't want to think what losing him again would be like.
"I think we could, though. Make it work." Again, a tiny fragment of a smile, hopeful and encouraging. "If you're sure you won't get sick of me. Living with me, sleeping with me, and working with me, that's a lot."
It was a fair point, they had been spending literally all their time together, as if constant contact might protect them against parting.
But Cassian knew it wasn't only paranoia, keeping him rapt to her side. He loved being with her. He loved that they could spend time in the same room not talking, barely looking at each other, doing their own tasks; and then, at any moment one could make a comment and they were in sync again. He loved learning gardening from her, teaching her recipes, tinkering together with the ship, walking this little world. He loved that they were occupied with these peaceful tasks. He was addicted to holding her. He loved making love with her. He loved when one read to the other or they listened to something together. They'd yet to have a fight, which would either be very terrible or highly unlikely, because he loved that their disagreements were usually resolved with actual logic and/or Jyn's particular dry humor. He didn't love when either of them wept or screamed, but he loved that they were able to do so with each other and able to be there for each other.
"You're right," he said, pressing his grin into her hair. "Gonna be hard pressed to find more hours to spend with you."
It was strange, how two fully contradictory feelings could exist at once. Jyn knew with an almost strange certainty that behind the teasing, the sentiment was genuine. He was the one who'd suggested resuming those classes as something they could do together, and anyway, it wasn't as if she was keeping him captive on the Falcon with her. She wanted him there, of course, but she wouldn't have stopped him if he wanted to be elsewhere, to live or to sleep or just to spend time. He hadn't given any indication that he was bored or frustrated with the arrangement, and neither had she. As far as she was concerned, they had a hell of a lot of time to catch up on. They were, in some ways, still getting to know each other.
Of course, in the ways that mattered most, they already did, that instinctive understanding that began to bloom, wordless, between them somewhere between Yavin 4 and Jedha. Now they were filling in the gaps with their respective details and facts.
Alongside that certainty was the quiet fear that he would get sick of her. She had never been worth keeping around to anyone before. Maybe, once the newness wore off, he would begin to lose interest. Maybe his past here with her would be too much after all; maybe she wouldn't be able to give him the kind of life he wanted, that he'd once dreamed about with someone else.
She could drive herself crazy with all of the hypotheticals, and she didn't want to do that. This wasn't the time, with him warm beside her and at least sounding like he was smiling again, which was what she'd wanted. They couldn't promise forever, but she could take him at his word that this was what he wanted.
"Good thing the animals like having you around," she teased, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "Well, and good thing I do, too."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-06-13 03:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-13 05:40 pm (UTC)"I'm not good at being stuck in one place," she admitted, fingertips idly tracing along his chest as she spoke. She wasn't always good at this, either, being open, offering up deeper, underlying truths, but with him, she really did want to try. "Being here is the longest I've spent in one place... ever. Twice over."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-13 06:27 pm (UTC)His fingertips, in turn, traced over her shoulder.
"What have you been doing here, all this time?" So far, his knowledge of her time here was too focused on his doppelgänger, not enough on her. "Not that gardening isn't good. I'd just be surprised if that fully occupied you."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-13 08:37 pm (UTC)She lifted her head just long enough and far enough to press her lips there against that scar for a moment, then settled on his chest again.
"I don't even know, now. How do you sum up what you've done over however many years?" Her voice was light, at least, as she considered what might bear mentioning. "Mostly I try to keep moving however I can. There's a boxing gym where I go if I feel like I need to hit something. Which is a lot. I had work, for a while. A friend started up self-defense classes for 'at-risk youth' and asked me to help. But that stopped when he disappeared. Try to keep the ship in good shape, even though it isn't going anywhere." She shrugged. "I think a lot of what I've been doing is just trying to figure out what to do with a life like this."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-13 09:31 pm (UTC)Her shrug made it thud heavier. "That makes sense. I used to fantasize about a life without war… but I realize, the fantasies weren't very detailed. Like, what I'd actually do."
Cassian craned his head to look at her. "Those self-defense classes. Is that something you'd want to do again? I could help. I like the idea of… helping kids make sure… they have more control of what happens to them."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 12:00 am (UTC)What Cassian was suggesting was different. It would be something new, a fresh start — similar, but not the same thing Lincoln built. Sort of like the two of them, in a way. That made it feel more feasible.
"I wouldn't mind doing it again," she said thoughtfully, her own head tipped back to look at him in turn. "I liked doing it. Just wasn't something I felt like I could keep up alone."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 04:09 am (UTC)"His name was Lincoln," she answered. "You'd have liked him, I think." In the back of her head, it struck her as a sign of progress that the words instinctively came out that way: you would have rather than you did. "He was from a different... universe, or whatever. Brought up to be a fighter, like I was, but he was also... kind. Gentle. Liked to draw and to help people. Being somewhere at peace suited him."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 04:39 am (UTC)'At peace'. If this is the price of peace…
The universe—any universe he could imagine—was a murderer. Anyone could die at any time in millions of ways. Was this any different?
Yes.
Don't lose her for fear of losing her… don't ask her a question then not handle the answer…
In this moment, it was too difficult. Cassian turned onto his side to envelop her fully in his arms and just… held on, unable to hide from her his heart suddenly pounding—the silent panic attack.
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 04:59 am (UTC)Right now, this wasn't about her. She held onto him in turn, as close to soothing as she could get, taking deep, steady breaths in the hopes that it might help him a little. "Yeah," she murmured. "I know."
If will and depth of feeling were enough to keep a person here, she would never have lost him in the first place. She didn't know how to say that without it somehow coming out wrong, but she hoped he knew it all the same.
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 05:18 am (UTC)“I’m an asshole,” he managed at last. “I did want to hear… I still want to revive his idea. I think we could make it work. I think it could be really good.”
Taking a moment, his forehead pressed to hers, Cassian said finally, “And I’m going to get a handle on this.”
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 05:33 am (UTC)For her, it was sort of like she'd stiltedly tried to describe it to him some time earlier: scar tissue, a wound that was no less severe or dangerous but that couldn't be felt to the same extent anymore. She'd lost so many people. It would always hurt, but there was a numbness to it at the same time, a sense of expectation.
Of course, Cassian was an exception to that. If losing him once had wrecked her, she didn't want to think what losing him again would be like.
"I think we could, though. Make it work." Again, a tiny fragment of a smile, hopeful and encouraging. "If you're sure you won't get sick of me. Living with me, sleeping with me, and working with me, that's a lot."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 06:15 am (UTC)But Cassian knew it wasn't only paranoia, keeping him rapt to her side. He loved being with her. He loved that they could spend time in the same room not talking, barely looking at each other, doing their own tasks; and then, at any moment one could make a comment and they were in sync again. He loved learning gardening from her, teaching her recipes, tinkering together with the ship, walking this little world. He loved that they were occupied with these peaceful tasks. He was addicted to holding her. He loved making love with her. He loved when one read to the other or they listened to something together. They'd yet to have a fight, which would either be very terrible or highly unlikely, because he loved that their disagreements were usually resolved with actual logic and/or Jyn's particular dry humor. He didn't love when either of them wept or screamed, but he loved that they were able to do so with each other and able to be there for each other.
"You're right," he said, pressing his grin into her hair. "Gonna be hard pressed to find more hours to spend with you."
no subject
Date: 2025-06-14 07:07 am (UTC)Of course, in the ways that mattered most, they already did, that instinctive understanding that began to bloom, wordless, between them somewhere between Yavin 4 and Jedha. Now they were filling in the gaps with their respective details and facts.
Alongside that certainty was the quiet fear that he would get sick of her. She had never been worth keeping around to anyone before. Maybe, once the newness wore off, he would begin to lose interest. Maybe his past here with her would be too much after all; maybe she wouldn't be able to give him the kind of life he wanted, that he'd once dreamed about with someone else.
She could drive herself crazy with all of the hypotheticals, and she didn't want to do that. This wasn't the time, with him warm beside her and at least sounding like he was smiling again, which was what she'd wanted. They couldn't promise forever, but she could take him at his word that this was what he wanted.
"Good thing the animals like having you around," she teased, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "Well, and good thing I do, too."