It was deeply, painfully unfair, having him look at her like that while so close in the dim firelight, listening as she told him some of her most closely-held truths. Jyn almost felt like she couldn't breathe, watching him. That look seemed to say almost as much as the words themselves did, though she took those in, too, oddly touched by the sentiment. Simply the fact that he understood meant more than she would ever be able to tell him.
There were, of course, other ways of trying to convey as much, ones that she once wouldn't have thought twice about with him. Near as he was, it would have been too easy to close the rest of the distance between them. She knew, though, that it would be a mistake, too liable to ruin whatever tenuous understanding they'd settled into here. She wasn't sure she could bear that.
So, instead, she would have to try to find words, and not flippant ones about how she thought he'd already recruited her. She considered for a moment, quiet and thoughtful, then finally found a way to phrase it in another truth.
"Fact," she murmured. "If we'd lived, I would have stayed."
He didn't want to risk putting an arm around her, trying to kiss her, even putting their faces too close. He dreaded presuming so would only follow. It felt all right, though, to move close enough to bump their shoulders together.
"I have no facts to follow that," he murmured back. "Except how glad I am to be here with you."
Still, the temptation to lean in was overwhelming, his proximity enough to make her feel a little lightheaded. This, Jyn thought, was going to be the hardest part. It wasn't having him here, because regardless of what that entailed or what they were to each other, he deserved to have this chance; it wasn't his lack of memory of being here before, because in truth, she was so far removed from that now it might only have made things more complicated instead of less. Hell, it wasn't even trying to sort through her own feelings and figure out what she wanted, because that was getting too far ahead of herself.
No, what would be maddeningly difficult was ignoring what once became second nature to her, having him this close and not doing anything she would regret too badly, pretending he didn't so thoroughly get under her skin. She didn't expect and wouldn't ask anything of him — something she probably needed to tell him instead of just thinking — but that didn't change the way she once again felt drawn into his orbit.
"Me too," she agreed, surprised by how much she meant it. "I—" I missed you seemed wrong. I love you remained off-limits. "It's really good to see you."
I— He would have given a lot to know how that sentence would have gone. She kept stopping herself. Well, that wasn't up to him. He wondered if she could ever stop feeling like she had to. For now, he gave her hands another gentle, meaning-full squeeze.
The sky was dark. Though he'd risen late, it was disconcerting how time had telescoped and the day vanished. They'd spent it all talking.
Cassian looked up and couldn't see what he sought. Releasing Jyn's hands, he stood and kicked out the remains of the fire. Ashes and shreds of fabric drifted in the air. Now, just far enough away from the city lights, he could see the stars.
"All different, huh?" A fairly pointless question. Every skyscape was specific to the planet you were on, unless you had planned astronomically carefully to be in the place and time of a planet's rotation relative to another's to have the same view of the same part of the Galaxy. You'd still be seeing things at a different angle, but if you knew what to look for, you might spot some of the same features. Here, Cassian didn't recognize anything.
Distance was good. Distance would help her get her head on straight, remind her how to breathe properly again. Jyn stayed sitting for a few moments, rolling her shoulders back as she watched the last embers of the fire glow, then extinguish. Her hands already felt cold where his were no longer wrapped around them, the electricity of those last words exchanged by firelight fading with the smoke in the air. That was good, too. She had to start getting used to this — to existing around him without what they'd once shared.
"All different," she confirmed, finally getting to her feet in turn. "They change more quickly than they should, too. No one knows why. At least it's still a nice view."
Maybe that was the years she'd been here speaking, the utter weirdness of so much of it having dulled to something she could begrudgingly accept, sometimes even appreciate. As she'd told him earlier, it wasn't a bad life. The only real problem was that she'd once let herself want too much and even believe she could have it.
More questions without answers, that others, even Jyn, had grown to stop asking. Was it Cassian's job as newcomer to shake them up, re-ask them, or did he defer to her greater experience and just…
(Do I look grateful to you?)
Cassian had slept unaccustomedly long and deeply and was suddenly almost as tired as when he'd arrived. Some things required multiple days to sleep off. If you could. If you had someone like Jyn watching your back.
"I think I need to go back to sleep," he said, passing a hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry…"
"Hey, don't apologize," Jyn said, shaking her head. Given everything she knew the last few days had entailed for him, it was no wonder that he was still exhausted. In truth, she was feeling some of that herself. With her emotions running so high and how damn confusing everything was, sleep would be welcome, even if it came with its own set of complications. Thank the Force there were several bunks — she'd already put him to bed earlier in one that could be his own — but she didn't know what it would be like now to sleep across a room from him, or share the casual intimacy of the same sleeping quarters.
The thought made her suddenly determined to ignore any such awkwardness. If that option failed, well, she could sleep anywhere; she'd leave him the room and curl up on one of the bench seats in the sitting area. In any case, she could appreciate the fact that he trusted her enough to stay in her space and rest here.
The dream of resting together invaded his mind and he pushed it away. He could only dream.
"You're sure—" He stopped himself, shaking his head. "I won't make you repeat yourself. Thank you."
He stomped out any remaining embers and picked up the bottle from the oil to bring inside. A final wisp of material made its way into the atmosphere in his vision, and was gone.
Tucking the bottle under his arm, Cassian turned again to Jyn and offered a smile. "Lead the way."
Jyn gave him a look at the sentence he cut off, almost teasing in its pointedness. She wouldn't have minded at all repeating herself as many times as he needed to hear it, but there was a relief in finding a familiar rhythm again, in letting things be a little less emotionally charged. The expression quickly gave way to a smile of her own, and she nodded before starting to head back into the ship. As much as she might have wanted to, she didn't reach for his free hand. Distance, she reminded herself. She had to start getting used to that.
"You don't have to keep thanking me, either," she said as she glanced over her shoulder at him. She sort of understood the impulse. When nothing had ever been given to her for free, or, really, without her having to claw her way to and fight for it, when the entire concept of safety was still a relatively new one to her, she wasn't in the habit of taking anything for granted. But letting him stay was hardly even a decision. Even if she hadn't preferred having him close to her, she would never have cast him out. "But you're welcome."
Winding around the corridor, she turned into the bedroom. "D'you want something else to sleep in? I can see what I can find, if you do."
Something else to sleep in… He exhaled another smile. "What a luxury. Sure." As she turned in one direction, he went in another back into the kitchen, where he rinsed out the emptied bottle and set it among other refuse. While he was at it, he washed up other dishes from their earlier meal.
"I know, crazy, right?" Jyn agreed with a soft laugh, one that masked how stupidly nervous she was over something so simple. Just as distance was good, though, so was giving herself something to do. Heading back to the bedroom, she grabbed her own sleep clothes from her bunk and ducked into the walk-in closet with them. Easier to do both things at once — to change without having to navigate around him and to see what else there might be for him to wear to sleep.
Tempted as she was to offer a cape as a joke, this didn't seem like the right moment for it.
When she emerged a few minutes later, she'd changed for bed and brought with her an unearthed T-shirt and sweatpants, which she set on what she would have to start thinking of as his bed. The latter would probably be too warm to actually sleep in, but she'd give him the option anyway, and at least both seemed likely to fit him comfortably. She huffed out a heavy breath when she heard the water stop running in the kitchen, then stepped out into the hall.
"I left clothes on the bed. I'll just, um—" She gestured back over her shoulder, as if to indicate that she had to do something unspecified. "I'll give you a minute."
"Thanks." He dried his hands and crossed to accept the clothes. Since it was clearly her intent, he waited until she was gone before changing into them.
Some minutes later, he emerged into the bedroom wearing the t-shirt and sweatpants (he'd decided that whatever she thought appropriate, he would go with) and holding his former outfit perfectly folded. He set the pile down next to "his" bunk and turned to Jyn. The pattern on the t-shirt, which he indicated, lifted his eyebrow. Clearly, he couldn't imagine it had been… 'his'. "We'll do that shopping trip tomorrow, yeah?"
"Yes," Jyn agreed emphatically as she came back into the bedroom from the hallway, where she had been waiting without actually doing anything. Working around each other like this would probably have to be a temporary solution if he wound up wanting to stay long-term, but that, she insisted to herself, would be fine. This was all just too new for now, and her emotions were too much a jumbled mess. Given a little time to settle down, she probably wouldn't even need to think twice about changing in the same room.
She just had to keep telling herself that.
"Definitely a shopping trip tomorrow. Most of what's around here, I honestly couldn't even tell you whose it was."
That was sort of a relief. But yes, he was positive he wouldn't have picked out this shirt. Or if he had, proof positive it was a different person. Not worth thinking about. Hopefully he wouldn't dream about it. Good luck.
He leaned over and touched her arm, only for as long as it took to say, "Good night."
"Good night, Cassian," Jyn replied, giving him a tiny smile before she crossed the room to close the door and switch the light. It didn't seem like quite enough, but there wasn't really anything else to say, least of all if she didn't want to say too much. So, instead, stealing a glance at him through the darkened room, she climbed into her bed and turned toward the wall, hoping she would manage to sleep halfway decently.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 10:33 pm (UTC)There were, of course, other ways of trying to convey as much, ones that she once wouldn't have thought twice about with him. Near as he was, it would have been too easy to close the rest of the distance between them. She knew, though, that it would be a mistake, too liable to ruin whatever tenuous understanding they'd settled into here. She wasn't sure she could bear that.
So, instead, she would have to try to find words, and not flippant ones about how she thought he'd already recruited her. She considered for a moment, quiet and thoughtful, then finally found a way to phrase it in another truth.
"Fact," she murmured. "If we'd lived, I would have stayed."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 11:58 pm (UTC)(would I first have to find)
and none of them took hold as actual thoughts.
He didn't want to risk putting an arm around her, trying to kiss her, even putting their faces too close. He dreaded presuming so would only follow. It felt all right, though, to move close enough to bump their shoulders together.
"I have no facts to follow that," he murmured back. "Except how glad I am to be here with you."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 01:00 am (UTC)No, what would be maddeningly difficult was ignoring what once became second nature to her, having him this close and not doing anything she would regret too badly, pretending he didn't so thoroughly get under her skin. She didn't expect and wouldn't ask anything of him — something she probably needed to tell him instead of just thinking — but that didn't change the way she once again felt drawn into his orbit.
"Me too," she agreed, surprised by how much she meant it. "I—" I missed you seemed wrong. I love you remained off-limits. "It's really good to see you."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 01:24 am (UTC)The sky was dark. Though he'd risen late, it was disconcerting how time had telescoped and the day vanished. They'd spent it all talking.
Cassian looked up and couldn't see what he sought. Releasing Jyn's hands, he stood and kicked out the remains of the fire. Ashes and shreds of fabric drifted in the air. Now, just far enough away from the city lights, he could see the stars.
"All different, huh?" A fairly pointless question. Every skyscape was specific to the planet you were on, unless you had planned astronomically carefully to be in the place and time of a planet's rotation relative to another's to have the same view of the same part of the Galaxy. You'd still be seeing things at a different angle, but if you knew what to look for, you might spot some of the same features. Here, Cassian didn't recognize anything.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 01:44 am (UTC)"All different," she confirmed, finally getting to her feet in turn. "They change more quickly than they should, too. No one knows why. At least it's still a nice view."
Maybe that was the years she'd been here speaking, the utter weirdness of so much of it having dulled to something she could begrudgingly accept, sometimes even appreciate. As she'd told him earlier, it wasn't a bad life. The only real problem was that she'd once let herself want too much and even believe she could have it.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 01:55 am (UTC)(Do I look grateful to you?)
Cassian had slept unaccustomedly long and deeply and was suddenly almost as tired as when he'd arrived. Some things required multiple days to sleep off. If you could. If you had someone like Jyn watching your back.
"I think I need to go back to sleep," he said, passing a hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry…"
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 02:10 am (UTC)The thought made her suddenly determined to ignore any such awkwardness. If that option failed, well, she could sleep anywhere; she'd leave him the room and curl up on one of the bench seats in the sitting area. In any case, she could appreciate the fact that he trusted her enough to stay in her space and rest here.
"Honestly, I think I could sleep, too."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 02:19 am (UTC)"You're sure—" He stopped himself, shaking his head. "I won't make you repeat yourself. Thank you."
He stomped out any remaining embers and picked up the bottle from the oil to bring inside. A final wisp of material made its way into the atmosphere in his vision, and was gone.
Tucking the bottle under his arm, Cassian turned again to Jyn and offered a smile. "Lead the way."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 02:37 am (UTC)"You don't have to keep thanking me, either," she said as she glanced over her shoulder at him. She sort of understood the impulse. When nothing had ever been given to her for free, or, really, without her having to claw her way to and fight for it, when the entire concept of safety was still a relatively new one to her, she wasn't in the habit of taking anything for granted. But letting him stay was hardly even a decision. Even if she hadn't preferred having him close to her, she would never have cast him out. "But you're welcome."
Winding around the corridor, she turned into the bedroom. "D'you want something else to sleep in? I can see what I can find, if you do."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 02:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 03:00 am (UTC)Tempted as she was to offer a cape as a joke, this didn't seem like the right moment for it.
When she emerged a few minutes later, she'd changed for bed and brought with her an unearthed T-shirt and sweatpants, which she set on what she would have to start thinking of as his bed. The latter would probably be too warm to actually sleep in, but she'd give him the option anyway, and at least both seemed likely to fit him comfortably. She huffed out a heavy breath when she heard the water stop running in the kitchen, then stepped out into the hall.
"I left clothes on the bed. I'll just, um—" She gestured back over her shoulder, as if to indicate that she had to do something unspecified. "I'll give you a minute."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 03:13 am (UTC)Some minutes later, he emerged into the bedroom wearing the t-shirt and sweatpants (he'd decided that whatever she thought appropriate, he would go with) and holding his former outfit perfectly folded. He set the pile down next to "his" bunk and turned to Jyn. The pattern on the t-shirt, which he indicated, lifted his eyebrow. Clearly, he couldn't imagine it had been… 'his'. "We'll do that shopping trip tomorrow, yeah?"
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 03:26 am (UTC)She just had to keep telling herself that.
"Definitely a shopping trip tomorrow. Most of what's around here, I honestly couldn't even tell you whose it was."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 03:31 am (UTC)He leaned over and touched her arm, only for as long as it took to say, "Good night."
no subject
Date: 2025-05-14 03:56 am (UTC)